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This Just In

This Just In – “Certainly Someone’s Head”… For Sale


They don’t make souvenirs like they used to.

The BBC reports (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-13522546)that up for auction this week is a human skull complete with hand-crafted display box. It likely came to the British Isles from Europe under the arm of some young landed gentry during a Grand Tour of the continent. “Grand Tour” was their loftier version of “Spring Break.”

There are rumors that it’s the head of a saint, perhaps Saint Vitalis of Assisi, the “Saint of Venereal Diseases” but that’s not the key part of the story, for me at least. I believe the auctioneer said it best himself “….it’s certainly the head of someone.” Indeed. It’s a HUMAN HEAD and it’s FOR SALE. Oh and the box looks cool as hell. It would look perfect atop the antique spinet I inherited from Aunt Gertrude.

I can’t bid on this item-a bit short on cash. But I take some comfort in a classic line from The Big Lebowski “You want a toe? I can get you a toe.” When I have the money, likely there’ll be a dessicated relic on the market somewhere in this wonderful, global economy.

Categories
Nightmares

Nightmare #304 – Murder!

(Male, 30’s) All throughout my dreams last night, I kept coming across a murderer. He wasn’t always trying to kill me, though he was always threatening me – sometimes I saw him while he was either preparing to kill someone else, or disposing of the body. Once, I was at a funeral and at a certain point in the middle of a conversation with the mourners, I realized that this person must have been killed by the murderer. Another time, I came across him as he was speaking with someone who I later realized he was stalking. Another time I saw him driving a truck down a long winding mountain highway. He looked me right in the eyes and I was chilled to the core. He had another body with him and he was daring me to do something about it. I’d be next.

The most interesting thing about this dream is that it wasn’t primarily about the murderer. He was just a recurrent though highly disturbing character. And actually, if I had to physically describe the murderer, he looked different each time I saw him on a purely physical level. But he was in fact, the same guy, if not just the same malevolent force.

Eventually, he started stalking me. I was home in a house that isn’t actually my house. It was dark outside. A motion sensor light turned on in the back yard. I knew it was him. He was back there but I couldn’t see him. There were the reflective circles of a half dozen creatures out there, staring back at me – racoons, possum maybe. I couldn’t see their outlines, only their eyes. I knew that they could see me and see the murderer and they didn’t care if I was about to be murdered. I flipped on another light but couldn’t see him any better.

I was waiting for a bus. All the newspaper boxes had run out of local papers, which disturbed the other people waiting for the bus. I realized that I was standing in front of the factory where the murderer worked. I could confront him and turn the tables. It was a big brick building. I had to walk around it to find a door. I passed by a large window. Inside, I saw the murderer acting out his next murder. He held an absurdly large piece of glass as if it was an ax. He shouted “I’m going to kill you like this” and he waved the glass shard around and around like he was stabbing someone. Then the murderer saw me and he ran at the window. I stepped back, both the window and the glass shattered but I was unhurt. I pursued him around to a loading dock where there were other workers.

I finally got a good look at the murderer. His most disturbing feature was a poorly trimmed mustache. Half of it was cut extremely close while the other half was bushy. It looked like it had been hacked at with a knife. The workers were being called in for a staff meeting. I stretched my finger out at the murderer, accusingly. He was angry, viciously angry but he was broken, exhausted. I was extorting him to be good, to stop murdering people, to stop stalking me. He agreed.

Categories
Nightmares

Nightmare #303 – My Gothic Vacation

(Male, 40’s) This was one of those dreams that starts off so real then goes straight into craziness. I was sleeping next to my wife — as I must have been when I was having this dream — and in the dream I was cold and uncomfortable — again as I was while I was sleeping. So I roll over and try to get comfortable and I realize that we’re trying to sleep on this pretty narrow stone pew. It’s wide for a pew but far too narrow for a bed. And I look around the room which is dark. I can only make out the outlines of the windows which all have pointed gothic arches… and I remember that we’re on vacation somewhere in Europe and we’re staying in a castle.

And I wonder if the castle is haunted.

I am not going to be able to sleep any more so I get up and start poking around the place. There are no light switches or candles but my eyes gradually get adjusted to the dark. I met a friend in the next room and he was getting his shoes on. We must have gone on vacation with this other couple. He spoke on and on about all the places we’ll have to go to and somewhere in the middle of his monologue I realize that I don’t really like him all that much. It’s funny how one can have friends that you don’t really like.

Then I’m distracted by something in the next room. It’s another friend of mine. She’s sitting in the middle of the room weeping. I go over to comfort her and when I get there she is a child. A baby. Smaller than a baby. A fetus. A doll. I pick her up in my hands and she’s smaller than the breadth of my two palms. Her arms are fastened behind her back with a rubber band. I remove the rubber band and she stops crying. She asked for some food. I looked over at a table that had a white lace cloth on it and silver candelabras. It was set out for breakfast but I didn’t know what this child-thing could eat.

Underneath the table, I could see a large dog-like creature. It was moving so fast, it appeared to flash in and out of existence in different places. It was dangerous. I didn’t want to get close to the table. Then it appeared behind me. I recognized it as actually someone I knew, sort of. He was larger and had a line of spikes down his back. His shirt or maybe it was his skin was a thick brown leather like a lizard. He ran at me. I braced for impact and as he hit me, the force knocked him over. He fell to the ground, stunned then he scuttled off.

A phone rang. I went into another room to answer it. I was now entirely out of the castle because this felt like the front room of yet another friend. The phone was an old style phone and it sat on top of an old TV. I answered it. It was my mother who has been dead for years. When she was alive she would talk on the phone for hours, frantic about one thing or another. This time in the dream she was worried about two life insurance policies she had. What should she do with them? How should they show up on her income taxes. They amounted to $4,732 – that number was very precise in the dream. I told her she should just sign them over to me and I’d worry about them. Then I swelled up with such anxiety I had to put the phone down and walk away. I haven’t felt that anxious since my mother died, in fact. I came back to the phone and she was still talking. I told her I didn’t hear that last part. She asked why. I told her. She asked why I had set the phone down. “Why? Why? Why?” Over and over. Finally I simply hung up on her.

Categories
Nightmares

Nightmare #302 – Tasty, tasty Infection

(Male, 30’s) This nightmare ended up a lot like a zombie dream but it really was different. The whole set up was strange. I was feeling sick, dizzy or out of balance so I went to the hospital. I was waiting to see a doctor in a long white corridor. I was trying to read a magazine but I felt really uncomfortable. Then I noticed that there was a strange substance coming out from around the joints of my body. It was a little like there were actual seams where the parts of my arm connected at the elbow. The stuff that leaked out was a lot like that spray foam sealant. Except this stuff didn’t set up. It just stayed soft foam.

Needless to say I was concerned.

I went up to the attending nurse and showed the condition. He squinted, looked at the foam very seriously, then he poked his finger into it and tasted it. Yup, he took a dollop of this goo that was slowly seeping from my body and he put it in his mouth.

“It’s… delicious. Light, creamy and sweet.” the nurse declared. His eyes changed and he clearly became possessed with some kind of demonic hunger. He leapt on top of me, his teeth gnashing like he wanted to eat my insides. I hit him forcibly with something heavy and metallic. Maybe it was a bedpan. I looked around for assistance. Up and down the long hallway, doctors and nurses were attacking patients, trying to devour their guts.

I had turned into a cream-filled doughnut. It would be very difficult to get out alive.