Month: April 2014

Categories
Nightmares

Nightmare #352: Saving the Town from Godzilla

Godzilla statue in Hibiya, Tokyo, which the monster destroyed in its debut film. (Photo by Wikiodaiba; used under Creative Commons License)
Godzilla statue in Hibiya, Tokyo, which the monster destroyed in its debut film. (Photo by Wikiodaiba; used under Creative Commons License)

(Female 40’s) This was a crazy dream I had when I was a kid that mixed up those monster movie plots with Nancy Drew-style problem solving. It was about how I used my smarts to save the town from Godzilla— almost.

The dream took place in a small town in Northern Michigan, near a cottage that was owned by a family friend. We went up there for the weekend many times when I was growing up. It was a small cottage-country town on a lake, very pretty and woodsy.

Godzilla was smashing through the town however. We could hear his roar and the screams of people as he chased them.

I had what seemed like an obviously brilliant idea: I would make a trail out of toilet paper to “lead” Godzilla out of town and back to the lake. He would follow the trail because that was part of his dinosaur nature.

I walked along backwards, unrolling roll after roll of toilet paper, humming to myself as my genius plan went into effect.

The only problem was that I didn’t account for how effective the toilet paper trail would be or how much more quickly a Godzilla moved than a human. I wasn’t quite to the lake when I looked up and saw Godzilla trampling down the road, following the trail, coming at a very fast pace. There was no way I could get to the lake before Godzilla would get to me. I was leading him straight to me. I was doomed.

Categories
Movies

Three and a half reasons I love “Blood Orgy at Beaver Lake”

Everyone has one good love song, one good novel and maybe one good movie in them, and the real achievement of digital culture is that more folks– everyday regular folks like you and me– can have the opportunity to record that one good song, write that one good novel and even make that one good movie. I wish I could say that “Blood Orgy at Beaver Lake” was the one good movie destined to the folks at Silver Bullet Pictures. I can’t. It’s crap. But let me celebrate the 3 and half things I really sincerely LOVE about this weird, half-camp/half-bullshit horror movie, okay?

The first thing I celebrate at the top of my lungs to all that will hear, and that’s the poster for this film. The poster for “Blood Orgy at Beaver Lake” is probably the best movie poster I have ever seen in my whole life. The guy at The Lost Highway does excellent work. I have his rendition of a Hellraiser and a Trick ‘r Treat, but he really out did himself with this poster for “Blood Orgy at Beaver Lake.” It does everything a great trailer does: it sets the tone, hits some of the high points and makes you really, really want to see the movie. If you get absolutely NOTHING out of this review, get your ass over to their website and buy the poster. Buy two and give one to your gramma.

The second thing I unabashedly love about “Blood Orgy at Beaver Lake” is that it’s a complete feature length movie, and for that matter, it’s not the only complete feature film made by those weirdos at Silver Bullet Pictures. Digital video means that every idiot with a cell phone can shoot and edit a movie, but to be honest, not many folks do. It’s a drag to shoot enough footage, a severe bummer to edit it down and Lord save me from the drudgery required to produce a DVD, even if I must question if any time whatsoever was spent writing, directing and acting this piece of shit. Most poseurs wimp out long before half way through and never even complete a single film, let alone a full length feature. Silver Bullet Pictures have a half dozen complete feature films including Blood Orgy at Beaver Lake, available on DVD and in some cases even on VHS. I’ve sat through several of them, including “Heavy Mental VHS” which received distribution by Troma– which should give you a really good indication of the aesthetic operating here.

The third thing I abso-fucking-lutely LOVE about “Blood Orgy at Beaver Lake” is that Silver Bullet Pictures are based in the Detroit area. How many kids in Detroit grow up thinking they’d like to, I dunno, work at a casino or move someplace warm. Kids my age thought they’d work for Fords. These folks make goddammed movies, for fuck’s sake. How cool is that? Making a movie is a gazillion times cooler than any stupid party you had planned for Saturday night. These folks actually DO the stuff that you dream about doing.

The half point is that I sort of get “trash culture,” the campy, nearly bizarro weirdness that seems to guide Silver Bullet Pictures. If I squint and drink a lot of beer, I can frequently make it through a whole movie, say one distributed by Troma pictures, without suffering a blast of anal leakage. Lord knows, I’ve championed John Waters since the first time I saw Polyester but honestly, too many folks hide behind John Waters’ coat tail, IHMO without having the authenticity of being gay, outré and stranded in 1970’s era Baltimore. Too many folks borrow Water’s aesthetic and are too afraid to hang their balls on the line and actually attempt to MEAN something. Am I just being Midwest sentimental to think that “Blood Orgy at Beaver Lake” lands a bit on the positive side of that divide?

Saints preserve me, but I have the perverse sense that if Silver Bullet Pictures continue to make movies–and I summon all infernal powers and heavenly forces to help ensure they do keep at it–eventually they will find their own weird and express the uniquely bizarre and disturbing reality that is found in southeastern Michigan. Until then, when they produce that one good movie that I can champion without reservation, at least buy the poster for “Blood Orgy at Beaver Lake,” willya?

Categories
Other Haunts

Historic, Poetic Ways to Say “Died”

"Submiting Her Self to ye Will of God" from http://www.vastpublicindifference.com/
“Submiting Her Self to ye Will of God” from http://www.vastpublicindifference.com/

The Doktor recommended to me a fascinating post titled “101 Ways to Say ‘Died’” on Vast Public Indifference, a nifty website devoted to “History, grad school, and gravestones!”

Pompe Stevens, from http://www.vastpublicindifference.com/
Pompe Stevens, from http://www.vastpublicindifference.com/

I checked out the website and the impressive collection of photos of gravestones from before 1825. The list of 101 sayings for “death” include phrases like “Fell Aslep in Jesus”, “Exchanged Worlds”, “Departed this stage of existence”, and “Went rejoycing out of this world”. Also mentioned are less happy endings: “expired”, “hung”, or “Was barbarously murdered in his own home by Gage’s bloody troops.”

Rev Wigglesworth, from http://www.vastpublicindifference.com/
Rev Wigglesworth, from http://www.vastpublicindifference.com/

The site recalled for me of a favorite euphemism from now-deceased minister at my childhood church, which was “Graduated to the Larger Life.” I always thought that had a grand ring to it, and now I see how it fits in a long line of pleasant (or sometimes not so pleasant) ways to say “died”.

Categories
Nightmares

Nightmare #351: Bad Dad versus Good Dad

Bewitched

(Female 50’s) This dream is so obviously rooted in television sit-com culture of the 1960’s, like Bewitched, I Dream of Jeannie, and Gilligan’s Island— as are many of my childhood experiences. Now that I think about it, a lot of those shows had brain-switching, or identity confusion, or evil twins as a regular plot twist. It’s no wonder that my nightmare involved having two dads: a good dad and a bad dad.

I Dream of Jeannie

In my dream, no one believed at first that there were two versions of my dad running around. My older brother tried to warn us. He pointed to the “fake” Dad and said, “That’s not our father! He’s an impostor!” We all thought that was ridiculous and laughed at him. Even Dad– although it was kind of an evil laugh.

The another Dad walked in our house. The Dads stood looking at each other. They both said, “Who are you?” and “He’s the fake!”, pointing at each other. My mom, sister, younger brother and I just looked back and forth. They were identical; we couldn’t tell them apart. Which was the real Dad?

Then my older brother said, “It’s him! He’s the fake one!” and he pointed at the person he claimed all along was the fake dad. Then the fake dad got really angry and attacked my brother. He tried to strangle him by putting his hands around my brother’s neck. My brother fought back and then Dad jumped in too. They beat the fake “dad” and I think they killed him.

Categories
Movies

Movie: “The Woman”

The Woman Movie Poster

Be prepared for a unsettlingly creepy and weirdly gory viewing with The Woman (Bloody Disgusting Selects), directed by Lucky McKee, based on a book by Jack Ketchum and Lucky McKee, also titled The Woman. If you expect to be surprised, you’ll be in a good position for watching this seemlingly straight-forward story about a family that takes in a feral woman.

The Netflix description had setup certain expectations for me which the movie destroyed coming out of the gate. The description on the envelope claimed we would watch the family breakdown as they attempted to “civilize” a feral woman, but from the first scene the family dynamics alone sent a shiver down my throat.

A sticky, icky candy-coating shines right from the scene where the family are guests at a barbeque. From his perch on the deck, the father gazes out at his miserable and uncomfortable teenage daughter and scolds his wife. Around the corner, the adolescent son practices free throws, while ignoring a group of boys tormenting a little girl. You can’t put a finger on it yet, but there’s something wrong in this house.

The action gets rolling when the father finds a wild woman living in the woods. He immediately prepares for her capture by putting the family to work on clearing an outbuilding, a project which they all undertake immediately and without question. Back in the woods, he traps the woman, knocks her out, and then takes her to the building and restrains her. He enlists his family in the project of helping “fix” her.

Ultimately, “The Woman” is a film that’s as much about power as it is about horror. The movie delivers both the gore and violence one expects from a horror film, but it packs the emotional punch of a well-rendered drama as it explores the power inequalities within the family and between the sexes. Don’t be surprised if certain dialogues make you cringe just as much as the scenes of bit-off appendages or torn-off skin. Like with any good film, expect the ideas in the movie haunt you in the days that follow.

Categories
Nightmares

Nightmare #350: Bloody, bloody nose

Photo: Washington & Jefferson College, Creative Commons, some rights reserved
Photo: Washington & Jefferson College, Creative Commons, some rights reserved

(Female 40’s) I don’t know if this counts as a nightmare, but it was a bad dream. It’s got the same things happening as other bad dreams I’d had, which is kind of funny when you think about it: pain, embarrassment, lots of blood, and not being about to find the bathroom.

I was on a trip at a hotel with some friends. I’d gotten separated from them, and I was wandering around among the common areas of the hotel, like the bars, meeting rooms and reception rooms. I realized that I was breathing strangely, like my breath whistled in my nose and it hurt. I slid my fingers up the skin on the side of my nose, and I could feel it was all lumpy, like something was huge stuffed way up deep inside my nose. At my nostril, my fingers touched the end of something sticking out that felt like a green bean! What the hell? I wondered. How did I get a bean stuck up my nose?

So without thinking too much, I yanked it out. The bean came out in one piece, but it hurt like hell, and my nose began to bleed. I didn’t have a tissue, so I plugged closed with my finger, but it was bleeding hard. I walked around then, trying to find the bathroom.

I came to a bar and looked around the edges of the room, but I didn’t see any signs or arrows. There were some men drinking; I didn’t think they’d know where the women’s room was. I saw waitress and I asked her, forgetting to hold on to my nose so the blood started to pour out again. She said this bar didn’t have a women’s room and I should try another one.

I walked around again and I came to an arcade, a big one, like those arcade rooms a lot of hotels used to have, only bigger. It was full of pinball machines, skeeball, driving car games, everything. Then I saw a pay toilet! That made perfect sense. I almost laughed out loud, but then I realized I didn’t have any change. Plus someone else was just going into the room. So I left again.

I came to a conference hall. I started to walk across this huge room full of people and booths and tables, and I saw a table with a big spread of sandwiches. I was suddenly very hungry. I picked up a sandwich, and my nose began to bleed again, so I held the sandwich in one hand and my nose with the other and hurried away. I had to get some tissue soon or sit down somewhere. I still had a bloody nose and I was starting to feel faint, and then I woke up.

Categories
Other Haunts

A Haunted Michigan Vacation

Postcard picture of Eloise Asylum, Wayne County Michigan
Postcard picture of Eloise Asylum, Wayne County Michigan

Sometimes, when looking for excitement and adventure, one has to go no further than one’s own backyard– or one’s state. Although I am Michigan born and bred, I have been informed that “Pure Michigan” was waiting for me, but I was not fully aware that “Haunted Michigan” was also right here for me to explore.

I recently found two lists on the Awesome Mitten website that are now inspiring a host of summer travel plans. In “The Ten Most Haunted Places in Michigan” and “The Ten Most Haunted Places in Michigan: Part Two“, writers for the Awesome Mitten provide details on Michigan restaurants, homes, theatres, light houses and hospitals that all offer a little something extra in the spooky realm.

I have visited only one of the 20 haunted places mentioned. The stunning Masonic Temple of Detroit has been the site of Theatre Bizarre for the last 2 years, and the Doktor and I thoroughly enjoyed both events. The space was teeming with all manner of persons and costumes, however, so if I encountered any real ghosts, I simply chalked it up to superior costuming skills.

Where to go first is the real question. Michigan is a big state, and many of the destinations are a good day trip away. Nonetheless, we’ll be making a short list of haunted Michigan places to explore and write about. Which ones catch your fancy?

Categories
Nightmares

Nightmare #349: Deadly Jailbreak

Jail cells at the Southborough Police Station. Photo by my_southborough. Used under the Creative Commons License.
Jail cells at the Southborough Police Station. Photo by my_southborough. Used under the Creative Commons License.

(Male, 50’s) Just a dark and sad dream. I woke up really shaken so who’s to say this wasn’t a nightmare. I was on a 5-person team, and one of the guys was someone I used to work with at an old job. He was a good guy, creative, diligent, exactly the kind of guy I’d choose to bring along on whatever task we were supposed to perform. It was night, really late at night, maybe 3:00 AM, and we were in the courtyard of a stone building, just inside a tall stone fence that surrounded a large activity yard. It felt kind of like a prison. We weren’t supposed to be there. My job was to circumvent a computer-based lock, but the trick I used was a long metal rod, a mechanical exploit that bypassed all the fancy electrics. I felt pretty proud of the idea. We five were supposed to wait outside until something happened. We’d know it when we saw it. I leaned against the fence and started scribbling notes for a poem I was writing. Yes, I know that’s crazy, but I was writing a poem in my dream. If I had started writing down the dream earlier, I bet I could have remembered what it was about too. I remember that I was worried I wouldn’t be able to read my hand-writing because it was so dark. I looked up from my little black notebook and found the other guys on my team were gone. I was worried that I’d missed the cue.

Just then dozens of men in work shirts and khakis started filing up out of this building in a big hurry. The building was one story tall so the sense I had was that these guys were coming up from rooms underground. Maybe they were prisoners. Maybe factory workers though they “felt” like tough and clever guys, equal parts Marines and engineers. They ran down this corridor then out to the street where there were a lot of cars parked. Each guy knew which car he was heading to. They were rather strange vehicles by the way, half panel truck and half station wagon, weird looking with no windows. Each car could fit maybe 10 guys. I panicked because I thought we were going to take a helicopter out of here. I hadn’t expected cars and didn’t know what to do. I grabbed one of the guys running past me and he said to come along, that they’d find room for me. But there wasn’t any room for me in any of the wagons. I knew it was just a minute or two until the sirens would ring, and I’d be caught. The wagon-cars started racing down the road and I tried to run along behind them. I kept up pretty well.

It was a residential city neighborhood and I watched the car I was going to get in drive away down a street, only to hear it shot full of holes by machine guns. I thought that was pretty crazy, shooting machine guns in a residential neighborhood but there was no chance anyone survived. I ran the other way. I started to like my odds, figuring I could escape through the residential brownstones to escape the trigger-happy officials who were hunting us down. Worse case, I could go back to the woods that were across from the stone building we’d broken into. I’d be safe so long as they didn’t send out dogs. And just then I ran into two motion-sensor machine guns that had been positioned at an intersection. Who the hell puts motion-sensor controlled machine guns at a residential intersection? They pinned me down with crossfire and I couldn’t move, though I didn’t have the sense that I was hit. I hid behind a leafless bush, just some bare branches, trying hard not to move but totally exposed if the murderous officials came looking. It started to dawn on me that no one lived in this neighborhood, that maybe no one lived anywhere anymore. Those may have been the last humans living anywhere, those guys living underground. I hoped at least some of them escaped. Whatever set up those mechanized machine guns to strafe an intersection wasn’t interested in keeping a neighborhood safe. They would only be satisfied by killing every single one of us.

Categories
Events Performances

News Flash: Winter is OVER: Violin Monster is RETURNING to Ann Arbor

This just in to the DailyNightmare News Network:

Beloved lycanthropic fiddler known as Violin Monster is reportedly in mid-migration BACK to the streets of Ann Arbor, just in time for the Festifools Parade this weekend. Locals are heartened by this well-known harbinger of spring. A great opportunity to get bitten by a love of fun street performance that requires no full moon to enjoy.

Photo of the Violin Monster, from the Violin Monster's website
Photo of the Violin Monster, from the Violin Monster’s website

— Get updates! Follow the Violin Monster on Facebook and Twitter

Categories
Movies

Movie: “Blood and Donuts”

bloodanddonuts_poster

by Samantha Reeve, from the Great White North

Think of vampires portrayed in films, and you’ll likely picture the suave, sexy kind that seduce their victims. It’s hard not to – Hollywood has been churning out these handsome bloodsuckers since Bela Lugosi‘s charming Dracula hit the screens in 1931. Though less common, the reluctant vampire is one we’ve even seen before. But one who’s also shy and socially awkward? This is what makes Boya’s character in the 1995 Canadian horror-comedy Blood & Donuts the rarest breed of all.

Having crawled into a bag for hibernation back in ’69, Boya is awakened when a golfer’s stray ball knocks down the shack it was stored in. He jumps into a nearby taxi and asks to be taken to a local cemetery, where he digs up his belongings, and then wanders off the find a room to rent. Meanwhile the taxi driver, Earl, is back at his favourite donut shop, but has been getting harassed by some local thugs. Boya ends up at the donut shop by chance and is able to intervene, saving Earl from a beating with his vampiric strength and agility. He quickly befriends and falls for Molly, the beautiful waitress, and thus begins his involvement in both humans’ troubles.

Devoid of the major laughs or scares you’d find in most horror-comedies, Blood and Donuts is a subtler (but still an enjoyable and unique) take on the genre. It’s lighthearted and filled with characters you can root for – one’s you love even though most of the actors gave pretty poor performances. The few scenes where Boya gets mad and transforms into a terrifying vampire are great, and the campy quality of the rest of the film keeps the ball rolling. Horror fans will also enjoy the cameo appearance of the legendary David Cronenberg, who plays the crime boss.

Though frequently forgotten on many “best Canadian horror” lists, in my books Blood and Donuts is a must-see for those with a penchant for either Canadian horror or 90’s cult comedies.

Categories
Nightmares

Nightmare #348: When the Worms Come Out

(Female, 30’s) I had this dream when I was about 5 years old; it’s a vivid dream that I still remember clearly.

I was in the kitchen (in what was, in the dream, “my” house). Tiny red worms started crawling in, covering the walls and floors and ceiling. The room was yellow so they stood out starkly.

I knew they were poisonous, and so I climbed up on the table. They started crawling up the table legs.

I yelled out for my mother and woke myself up.