Category: Nightmares

Nightmare #140 – Extorted by my Fingertips

Post author By admin
Post date March 13, 2008

(Male, 30’s) This dream was very convoluted and crazy and parts were just so very sick and tawdry. I kept trying to do the smart thing but the situation just kept getting worse and worse. I was a college student and I was trying to fit in. There was a group that seemed very popular, not quite as organized as a fraternity, but perhaps more like a secret society. It was made up of at least 40 athletic guys and one very attractive brunette girl. They let me hang out with them for awhile but then, for no apparent reason, a half dozen of the guys beat me up, knocked me to the ground and kicked me until I couldn’t move. I think one of the guys peed on me when I was lying there nearly unconscious. They laughed and said it was part of the “hazing.” I wish the nightmare ended there but it just continued on and on.

…this secret society of thugs would do something simply horrible if they had that key…

I knew that this secret society of thugs would do something simply horrible if they had that key so I asked them for time to think about it. I used that time to gather together my family, my mother and father and our pet dogs (?) and get us all into a station wagon so we could flee. I didn’t know exactly how powerful this society was but I had reason to believe they could hurt my parents and it would be best if we just re-located to someplace far far away. This station wagon was a mess by the way, it barely ran at all. It was gray and dingy on the outside. I drove it down these heavily rutted gravel roads because I was trying to avoid the major roads that might have been watched.

As I turned a corner, the car flipped over into a ditch. There was another vehicle there, conveniently, a small red car. We piled out of the station wagon and started carrying our luggage over to the red car. It was clear we were going to have to leave many things behind, probably most of our things. Just then a big truck appeared with a dozen or so of the society thugs. I stopped loading up the car we were using to escape. I turned to face the truck as it pulled up and right then, I woke up.

Tags conspiracy, crime, violence

Nightmares

Nightmare #138 – Convenience Store Robbery!

Post author By The Grim Gnome
Post date March 7, 2008

(Female, 20’s) – Maybe this isn’t exactly a nightmare but it was pretty exciting and I remember it vividly to this day even though I had this dream about ten years ago.

…There were many men, a whole carload full of them, all with guns…

I was riding in the car with my mother and we pulled into a convenience store to get some gas. We were getting ready to pump some gas when we looked over at the store and saw it was being robbed. There were many men, a whole carload full of them, all with guns. At that moment they saw us and started to pour out of the store. They ran right toward us. My mom said “Get back in the car.” But even when I got in the car, I wasn’t safe. The robbers started firing their guns at us. The bullets shot right through the windows and the doors of the car. My mother said “Get down” while she started the car and pulled out of the gas station. It was just like she was an action adventure heroine!

Tags crime, guns, violence

Nightmares

Nightmare #137 – Arriving for the Funeral

Post author By The Grim Gnome
Post date March 4, 2008

(Male, Middle-Aged) My wife and I had just gotten into town, a small town with what appeared to be only one stop light and one main intersection. We arrived by train I believe because we exited a large brick station. I was wearing a black suit and black gloves and the only luggage I was carrying was my laptop from work which is in a black satchel. My wife is also dressed somberly. As we start to cross the road, a fancy old-style hearse turns the corner and heads toward us. It’s blaring a siren and flashing its lights which is pretty strange. Where would a hearse have to go in a hurry? We stop and let it pass. I am very tired, maybe from the journey, maybe from exhaustion or hunger. I am fighting to keep from passing out. My wife keeps telling me “It’s just a little way further.”

…They’re walking along, all in black, half like a mob and half like a parade of mourners…

Just as we are nearly across the road, I notice a whole family of people turning the corner where the hearse came from. There’s an older man and woman and their four full grown children and probably a half dozen other people. They’re walking along, all in black, half like a mob and half like a parade of mourners. The mother in particular is highly distraught and cries very loudly into a hankerchief. She keeps choking like she’s trying to stop crying. I recognize the family once they get closer. They must be arriving for this same funeral. They’re friends and normally I’d want to talk with them but in this dream I was filled with panic. I just wanted to get to my hotel room or where ever I was going and close my eyes. The fear of talking with them made me try to escape but I was horribly dizzy. They kept gaining on me and my wife but at last we entered the building where we were heading to. I felt worse and worse with every step, a little like my head was emptying, like my brains were just evaporating and pouring out my ears. Despite these disturbing sensations, I knew I had to hold onto my brief case because I had to do work while I was vacationing at this funeral. My wife was quite a ways ahead of me by now. She opened a door and held it open for me though I realized I would never make it that far.

At just about that moment, I figured out that I was arriving at my own funeral.

Tags death, funerals, health problems

Nightmares

Nightmare #136 – Undead Babies

Post author By The Grim Gnome
Post date March 3, 2008

(Male, Middle aged) This wasn’t a nightmare in the sense that there was a monster jumping out at me or anything but it was pretty weird and just awfully sad. I was in the house where I grew up and I think I might have been a kid just because I looked at things like a kid would, looking for fun, having little responsibility. I was just playing around in the garage and the backyard. I had a wooden scythe – yup, like the Grim Reaper but I was waving it around like a drum major, spinning it around my hand. As I type it down now, I realize that I could have easily sliced my own head off with it but that fit perfectly with the dream, that sense of stupid self-confidence, of adolescence.

Then a car pulled into our driveway and pregnant woman in a pink jumpsuit got out. She was probably in her late twenties or so. It was my cousin’s ex-wife — I mean, back when she was this age and having babies, she was still married to my cousin but they aren’t together any more. She waved at me then went inside. I was curious so I followed her. She was talking to my cousin who I didn’t know was there. Strange but my parents weren’t in the house. The two of them looked concerned. One of them explained that she had just come from the doctor. Though she could still feel her baby moving and kicking inside her, the doctor could find absolutely no evidence that the child was alive or that she even was pregnant at all. No heart rate, nothing on an ultrasound. My cousin had his hand on her belly, I guess feeling the baby kick, but they looked so sad, so confused.

Tags families

Nightmares

Nightmare #133 – The Slashed Horizon

Post author By admin
Post date February 25, 2008

(Male, 40’s) I was chasing someone through these very dark, black streets that were also slick with rain. I had lost the trail and was a bit lost when I realized I wasn’t in a city at all. What I thought all along was the city scape of buildings was actually a long backdrop painting. The canvas was stretched all along the side of a large semi trailer. Then I looked around me and realized that everything I had been running through, everything that had felt like a city was actually just cutout flats on a very very small stage. How could I have ever taken that to be the street I was running down?

I looked back at the back drop and noticed that it had been slashed with huge long cuts running lengthwise. The truck was in the middle of a field. It was the middle of the afternoon. There was nothing else, absolutely nothing else as far as the eye could see. Then there was a young woman. She had very straight, plain blond hair about shoulder length… and a HUGE knife, easily a foot long that she waved around like she was very comfortable with it. It was clear that she was the one who had sliced up the backdrop. She wanted me to stay and talk but I said No I had to head back to town because I had to pee. She laughed and said “You’re in a field. Just go ahead and pee here.” I replied, still eager to get the heck away from her “You just want to see my penis.” She replies by grabbing the back of her t-shirt and pulling it off in one smooth movement so she’s standing there, topless and bare-breasted still brandishing this immense knife. I am absolutely terrified — I don’t want to piss her off but I don’t have a clue what to do.

Tags city, country, knife, sex, stage

Nightmares

Nightmare #132 – A Chase to a Strange, Terrible World

Post author By admin
Post date February 22, 2008
1 Comment on Nightmare #132 – A Chase to a Strange, Terrible World

(Male, 20’s) I had a partner, a woman with medium length blond hair, and we were running after a man. We were in a long corridor and every so often, there was a set of doors. We’d run through them and we’d see him just going through the next set. We kept running and chasing him. Finally, we saw him going through a set of doors that opened into bright daylight so we knew he was going outside. When we went through those doors we were on the roof top of a building and we could see the man over by a smokestack. He was climbing up a ladder on the side of the smoke stack and when he reached the top, he pushed aside a lid that was on the smokestack and he climbed inside. We followed.

Inside the smokestack was a vine. We started climbing down the vine, still in pursuit of the man. We climbed for what felt was like hours, even though I know it must have just been a couple minutes. It was a dry brown vine and eventually we reached the end of it. There was a little gap and then another vine started. We though we could easily jump from one vine to the other one but we didn’t know that gravity changed between the two vines. What was “up” became “down” so halfway through our jump, we were jumping “up.” But we were able to grab the other vine and continue the chase UP a vine. Again we climbed for hours and at the end of the smokestack, we pushed aside the lid and found ourselves in a very dense jungle.

Then something else must have happened but the next part I remember, I was in the dense jungle and the man I was chasing was yelling at me, saying “Come on. Come on! We’ve got what we came for.” A dark and scary looking cloud was bearing down on us. And I was holding the decapitated head of my female partner, tucked under my arm like a football. I had no idea what had happened but the man was very insistent. We started climbing down the smokestack again back to the normal world. Once we had gone a little way, once I was sure that the cloud wasn’t following us, I said “We’ve got to go back.” The man took the head I was holding and pushed back the hair to reveal the scalp. There were eight things there, though I can only remember one. There were some Mardi Gras beads woven in between the tufts of hair. “See, we’ve got what we came for.” We continued climbing, climbing back to our world.

Tags chase, decapitation

Nightmares

Nightmare #131 – Finger Torture

Post author By admin
Post date February 20, 2008

(Female, teenage) In this nightmare, I was one of several people who were being held hostage and tortured by this evil creature that strangely enough looked like Sarah Michelle Geller, you know, Buffy? She was holding us hostage in this town house surrounded by other houses. We could see other people living their lives and having fun next door and they probably would have been able to notice that we were being tortured if they stopped to look closely enough. Someone next door saw me through the window and waved. I waved back and I dared to walk up to the window and I talked to this person through the window. Then the Sarah Michelle Geller-creature noticed me and came over. She threw a hand-grenade out the window at the family I was talking with. It was some strange kind of hand grenade that only blew up the people and left everything else standing. Once they were killed, the Creature moved us all next door into their house.

…I was one of several people who were being held hostage and tortured by this evil creature that strangely enough looked like Sarah Michelle Geller..

There was a pool in this area. One of the people who was trapped with us was a little girl. She jumped in the pool and started splashing around. All of a sudden a dog, like a terrier, came up out of the water and started pulling her underneath. We all rushed over to try to pull her out but the harder we pulled, the larger the dog grew. It eventually became as large as a bear. It tore her apart and pulled her under. We yelled at the SMG-creature, why did you do that? “Because she was having fun.”

There was a bowl and for some reason I thought that if I could fill this bowl with water from the pool, I would be free. So I started walking over to the pool, dipping my hands in to get them wet and then walking back to the bowl and shaking the excess water off into the bowl. All without drawing attention to the fact that was what I was doing. But one time, when I returned to the bowl, the sides of the bowl had grown incredibly tall, far taller than me. I sat down, depressed. Then I looked down at my hands and I saw that my index finger had been chopped off, raggedly, at an angle. It was bleeding but it didn’t seem to hurt. The creature laughed, “You won’t be able to fill up the bowl now.” She was holding a metal spatula, like the kind you use on an outside grill. It must have been especially sharpened or something. Then one by one she cut off all my fingers. There was nothing I could do to stop her.

Tags animal attacks, dangerous dogs, monsters, torture

Nightmares

Nightmare #130 – Death and Disposal

Post author By admin
Post date February 15, 2008
2 Comments on Nightmare #130 – Death and Disposal

(Female, 20’s) Last night I dreamt I killed someone, and then I did something worse. I lived in a tall house surrounded by farmland and someone had broken in. I fought with him at the top of a very tall circular staircase. Finally, I pushed him backward and he fell, over and over down the stairs, until he was dead.

“The dogs will know. The dogs will smell him and they’ll know.”

I was horrified by the thought I was now a murderer, that I had committed murder. I needed to get rid of the evidence so I dragged his heavy body to the bathroom and put him in the tub… where I proceeded to cut him up into pieces so I wouldn’t get blood everywhere — This gets a little grisly here — And then I figured that still there was too much blood left in these pieces so I put them in the oven, at least as much as would fit, and baked him until the pieces were dry. Then I sewed these parts into a scarecrow that I put out in the field, all the while thinking “The dogs will know. The dogs will smell him and they’ll know.” I still had to get rid of the rest of him. I figured I could take little pieces of him out to various parts of the farm and bury them where no one would ever find him.

Tags corpses, dangerous dogs, murder, violence

Nightmares

Nightmare #129 – Beach Attack

Post author By admin
Post date February 14, 2008

(Female, early 30’s) This is a nightmare I remember from my childhood. My parents had rented a cottage in the Irish Hills, a resort area near where we lived where there were many lakes and woods.

…This strange little man took out a knife and he threw it at me…

In the dream I was down by a lake playing in the sand near the water when a taxi all of a sudden drives up, onto the beach and down to edge of the water. A man gets out, a weird little man with a big hat and a long overcoat. He was oddly mis-shaped too, overly round almost like that character Grimace from the McDonald’s commercials. This strange little man took out a knife and he threw it at me. I move fast enough that I duck out of the way. The knife whizzes past me, but it keeps going. It travels all the way around the world. In about 20 seconds, I looked up and the knife was flying at me again, this time too close to avoid.

Tags childhood, knives, violence

Nightmares

Nightmare #126 – Clown Town

Post author By admin
Post date February 12, 2008
2 Comments on Nightmare #126 – Clown Town

(Male, 40’s) Bruce is out of town for some reason, so I decide to go see a movie alone. I drive into Detroit in a long black luxury sedan of some kind. The movie is long, a kind of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and it gets out late. As I leave the theater, some kid with a straw spits a soggy wad onto my windshield. As I turn out of the lot, I’m suddenly on foot. No problem. I know I have to walk a few blocks to the highway to catch a.. or to where I parked..? Whatever. But I’m walking in the late afternoon sun through a grassy back alley. Broken concrete slabs and tall abandoned condos with narrow streets to my left.

…This particular clown is tall, about 7 or 8 feet. Dressed in a white outfit, billowy collar and stovepipe hat. But his eyes are strange…

No one is around. I pass a street, and walking towards me in the middle of the road is a clown. This must be Detroit’s famous Clown-Town, I realize. I didn’t know I was so far South. I should have known by the graffiti. This particular clown is tall, about 7 or 8 feet. Dressed in a white outfit, billowy collar and stovepipe hat. But his eyes are strange. They’re perfectly round and large, like white tennis balls. Black dots in the middle like they’ve been drawn on with a marker. There’s no one else around, yet he’s performing. His step is light and he skips every other step or so. He’s looking side to side, waving and nodding to unseen crowds. There’s no sound but the highway hum ahead. I move on. Behind me I hear the scuff of someone walking, skipping. I look back and Stovepipe has turned the corner. He’s behind me waving with his hand high in the air. He stops and there’s and tumble of color and cloth as another clown cartwheels out from a hedge Stove pipe catches his ankles and slows him. They both pantomime a happy greeting and then turn toward me. I start to feel like I have a long way to go before the safety of the on-ramp. I don’t know why, but I’m nervous. Clowns have never been seen to leave the few blocks the city has reserved for them before, but these two seem pretty mobile- and coming up fast. Also, it’s never been reported that our clowns have ever hurt anyone. I’ve never heard of it anyway. Still. On the next block there are two, no three more happy, skipping, staring clowns heading my way. Then the dream logic, the feeling that this is all an everyday situation falls away. Stovepipe is taller than any human I’ve ever seen and his unblinking eyes are just dry balls of plastic. I’m outnumbered and I can’t seem to get any faster than a stroll. The clowns are up to about 8 now, and still completely silent, still coming after me. I try to drag myself along the pavement and to get moving faster. The air is like water and I’m fighting the current. I find that I’m laying on the cement, trying to crawl away. My hands feel gravel and glass, and grass in the cracks of the sidewalk. I hear the horrible scuffing of a dozen big shoes just over my shoulder.

Tags clowns, darkness, urban horror

Nightmares

Nightmare #128 – Aliens in Quarantine

Post author By admin
Post date February 11, 2008

(Female, early 30’s) I remember this dream from when I was a child. I must have just seen the movie “E.T.” which is a charming movie except for the part at the end where E.T. has been captured and is in quarantine. He seemed so sad and in such distress. My dream takes off from there. The wall paper in my childhood bedroom was covered in tiny dolls, each probably 3 or 4 inches tall. In my dream, each one of them was a space alien, a space alien as cute and vulnerable as E.T. The walls themselves were transformed into some kind of quarantine for the cute little space aliens. I tried to close my eyes so I didn’t have to see them anymore and it felt like there was a little alien floating over both of my eyes.

Tags childhood, monsters, movie

Nightmares

Nightmare #127 – My Chest Erupted in Terror

Post author By admin
Post date February 9, 2008

(Male, early 30’s)

…It’s almost like something has burrowed inside my pajama top, looking for someplace warm…

This is a dream I remember from when I was a kid and I went through a period of sleepwalking. In the dream, I’m lying down in bed, trying to get to sleep when I feel something on my chest. At this point it’s not in my chest yet, just on the surface, just on the skin. It’s almost like something has burrowed inside my pajama top, looking for someplace warm. Then all of a sudden, this something tears through my pajamas and pops out. Then I realize that it actually came OUT of my chest. And then another one crawled out. And another one. I jumped out of bed and ran to tell my parents, yelling “There are babies coming out of my tum-tum!” But in fact I was just sleepwalking. My mother threw a glass of water in my face — the family treatment for sleepwalking — and I woke up.

Tags babies, childhood, monsters, sleepwalking

Nightmares

Nightmare #125 – Attack of the Dayglow Trolls

Post author By admin
Post date February 7, 2008
1 Comment on Nightmare #125 – Attack of the Dayglow Trolls

(Male, early 30’s) When I was just a little kid, I went through a period where I sleepwalked and this was one of the really intense dreams I remember from that time. My house was surrounded by trolls, monsters with knobby faces and weird tufts of hair. And if that wasn’t strange enough, these trolls were all very vivid colors, like day-glow fluorescent type colors of green and pink and yellow. They completely surrounded the house and then they started throwing things at me. It was fruit. I was being pelted my fruit thrown by trolls. They threw so much fruit that the house was starting to fill up. I thought I should warn my parents. I ran into their bedroom and tried to explain about the day glow trolls and fruit but in fact, I was just sleepwalking. My mom threw a glass of water on me to wake me up.

Tags color, house, monsters, sleepwalking

Nightmares

Nightmare #124 – The Lodge, Hunted

Post author By admin
Post date February 6, 2008

lascauxdeer
(Male, early 30’s)

…There was no way out and nowhere really to run…

I was in a hunting lodge out in the woods. The standard log cabin kind of lodge with a big stone fireplace and everything. I was alone but it wasn’t the peaceful feeling of being alone in the woods; it was a more sinister, lonesome, vulnerable sense of being alone. Then I realized what was wrong. The animals that were mounted on the wall were alive. There were some pretty serious animals here too, like bears and cheetahs. At first I thought if I just didn’t move around very much that maybe the animals wouldn’t notice me, that maybe they wouldn’t attack me. But they did notice me. The animals started to chase me around the lodge. There was no way out and nowhere really to run.

Tags alone, animal attacks, trapped

Nightmares

Nightmare #123 – Mad for Shoes

Post author By admin
Post date February 1, 2008

(Female) I’m afraid this dream won’t make any sense or that you won’t find it scary at all. It was frightening to me, the person having the dream, so I think it qualifies as a scary dream, because I felt like maybe I was losing my mind. So if it’s not a scary dream, at least it’s a weird dream.

I was meeting my best friend at a retreat centre of some sort out in the country. She was there for a meeting of some organization of which she’s a board member, and so I came to see her and spend some time with her after her sessions were done—something that we’ve actually done several times in real life. I was so very excited to get together because she lives very far away hence our real life meetings are far between.

We were staying in a little two room cabin, sort of rustic and woodsy. The place had a sort of Japanese style, with few furnishings and wooden cabinets, a very peaceful Zen atmosphere. She came into the room, and we hugged and greeted each other and talked about our lives and our families. It was so nice to see her again and so cozy in the cabin. We were going to have a good time.

…I’m afraid this dream won’t make any sense or that you won’t find it scary at all…

Then we were going to go out, I think, to dinner so we started to get ready. She got her shoes and her jacket and stepped out on to the porch to wait for me to come outside. I went to the closet where I’d left my coat and shoes, and I took my coat off a hangar and put it on. Then I slipped my foot into one of my shoes, but I couldn’t see the other one. I looked around in the closet, which was basically empty, but my shoe wasn’t there. It wasn’t like my closet a home that’s full of stuff so a shoe could be hiding under something else. No, this closet was basically empty but I still couldn’t find my other shoe. Still, I looked from one end of the long narrow closet to the other and back again, because, after all, where could my other shoe be?

Wearing just the one shoe, I limped out to the other room and threw open the closet doors there. There were shoes in the bottom of this closet, maybe a dozen, left behind by previous guests, I suppose, but my shoe wasn’t there. There were a lot of single shoes in fact which seemed like a strange situation. I rummaged around and found a shoe that would fit me, but it didn’t match my other shoe at all and it had no mate. I couldn’t go out to dinner wearing two different shoes! I was starting to panic—what was I going to do? How could I have lost a shoe in a closet?

I started back into the bedroom because I was certain my shoe was in there, but I couldn’t find the door. It was a two-room cabin– How could I get lost? How could I not find a door in a two room cabin? I could feel myself getting more and more panicked, and a blush of shame spreading across my cheeks. What was going on? Was I going insane, or was the cabin trying to confuse me? I turned around slowly, three or four times, studying each of the walls, looking for the door. Oh, there was the right door over there. I went back into the bedroom and opened the closet. There were different things objects inside the closet now, a set of folding chairs that hadn’t been there before. But still not my shoe.

My friend was outside on the deck, talking on a cellphone and waiting patiently for me. She waved at me through the window, unworried and unaware of my trauma. I turned toward the closet again and got down on my hands and knees, and systematically began to search through the almost empty closet once again. I started at one end and moved to the other, looking at each item on the floor of the closet, and then going back to the other end again. Over and over, I kept looking for my missing shoe until I woke up.

Tags bizarro, lost, madness

Nightmares

Nightmare #121 – A Grisly Toy

Post author By admin
Post date January 27, 2008

(Male) This wasn’t long enough or detailed enough to be a nightmare but it’s a pretty striking image from a dream I just had. I was waiting in a relatively large room that was stately and dark. I was alone. I stood beside a piece of furniture, a long piece of darkly stained wood like either a bar or the desk at a hotel. Just sitting on this counter top was a toy that initially looked like a child’s wind up carousel. I picked it up and turned the key and that revealed its more grisly attributes. It was like a mechanism for public execution. As the circular portion spun slowly, a parade of human dolls mounted a set of steps, step after step. When they reached the top, the head of the dolls fit into a noose attached to the carousel. The next turn of the wheel whisked them off the steps and the dolls dangled by their necks as they spun around the carousel. It was accompanied by the most banal and cheerful music plinked out on metal tines. I looked around the room to see whose toy this might be or if it were a gift, for whom it might be intended but I was still quite alone.

Tags deah, execution, hanging, toy

Nightmares

Nightmare #122 – Baby Traps

Post author By admin
Post date January 26, 2008

(Male) Let me start by noting that I realize this nightmare is anatomically impossible for SEVERAL reasons — I paid attention in “Health” class enough to know that. I was visiting my mother who apparently lived in a different city. We were strolling through this nice, gentrified area that obviously used to be freight warehouses in a rail yard but that had been transformed into a series offices, coffee stands, lofts, places to eat over-priced lunches and small shops that sold small, expensive pieces of junk. I was very surprised when we came to one door that Mother indicated was her office, surprised because Mom retired something like 20 years ago. We entered and I found a dark and dirty room, cramped to begin with but that was made even more difficult to navigate by this huge, old-style dentist’s chair bolted right to the middle of the floor. It was in bad shape — the arm pads had been torn up by generations of fingernails clawing against the pain. Mom had me sit in the chair. She had an assistant in this tiny room as well, a burly young woman who stood quietly in the shadowy corner but seemed prepared to hold my legs down if it proved necessary.

…Mom asked me to open my mouth and she forced this bottle down my throat, open end down…

Mother explained that she needed to “harvest some babies” from me. She showed me a simple device that would do the work. It was a clear glass bottle, probably half a liter with a very wide mouth and this weird attachment that dangled from the mouth inside the bottle. The attachment looked a bit like a noose. Mom asked me to open my mouth and she forced this bottle down my throat, open end down. The way the trap worked, I was lead to believe, was that a developing fetus would eventually grow to be so large that it had to stick its head inside the bottle and once it did that, its head would be trapped inside the noose. The baby would be caught and Mom could then gently twist the bottle out of my throat and she’d have a baby. Yes, I realize how twisted this sounds. At least this was how Mom explained the procedure to me. I didn’t question why she kept putting another and another bottle down my throat, pushing them in hard, screwing them to force them down my esophagus. If the idea was that they were to catch a developing fetus, well, wouldn’t I only need one at a time? That is, even if guys DID develop fetuses at all! And why were they going down my throat? I woke up snoring so badly I was choking.

And since I bet you’d ask, no, my wife is not pregnant.

Tags babies, families, health problems